i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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