mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize