OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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