"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
