Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
