I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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