I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
