Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
