The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
