Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
