You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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