I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
