my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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