I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
