The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
