My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
