I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
