I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Can Purell be used as lube?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
