I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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