I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
