Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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