don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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