thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
