Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
