you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
