Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
