You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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