end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
