i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I want to be your penis for a week.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Of course I have a pirate flag
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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