Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
