I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
