It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
