So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
