He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
