grandma shit on top of the toilet
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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