did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
