It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
