doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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