dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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