if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
