I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
