it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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