Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
