I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
