She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
