Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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