Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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