haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
