I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
