I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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