my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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