I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
