Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
