im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
