Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
