Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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