I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
