I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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