Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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