my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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