Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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