He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize