i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The uberlube is also flammable
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
