i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
