My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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