When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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