I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
