Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
