so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize