So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
