It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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