She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
